Well, I don't know that NO ONE does, but since I hardly ever post here, I wouldn't be surprised.  Anyway I need to vent and since I have no other way to, I'm doing it here.

I've pissed and moaned about my hubby here before, and tonight, I do it again.  Let me start with I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  However, there are times I really don't think he even likes me, much less loves me.  I was TOLD last Sunday that we were going bowling with some people tonight.  Wasn't asked, was told.  I didn't realize I was still 5 years old.  But, OK, I'll go bowling. 

So, tonight, we went bowling.  Met some new people who were nice, had fun, pulled a muscle in my hip, but all in all, a decent time.  So, apparently while I went to the restroom right before we left, DH (and tonight the D doesn't stand for dear or darling) mentioned to some ppl who showed up during the last 20 minutes we were there that we'd go to a bar and hang out with them.  Uh, we will?  No, I won't.  Besides the loud music, which I can't hear ANYTHING over, there is TONS of cigarette smoke, as it's a 21 and over bar so ppl can still smoke in there.  (All restaurants and most bars in TN are now smoke-free, which I LOVE!!!!!)  And do you know when I found out?  When he turned the car in the opposite direction of our house and I asked, "Um, where are we going?"

The real problem is, yet again, he TOLD me, didn't ask.  I told him I wasn't going to sit in a smoke-filled bar all night, and he asked me if I wanted to go home.  Of all the things to ask....  This has been a real issue as of late, as DH likes to spend time with single women.  I know he's not physically cheating, but at times, I strongly wonder if he's mentally cheating.  Admitting this in a public forum where anyone could come upon it is humiliating, but as I have no friends here, or well, apparently anywhere, I need somewhere to vent.  I changed my entire life for him (which I supposedly bring up often, but COME ON!!!!  I moved from everything and everyone I knew to be with him after we got married.  People here are different.  I'm not saying they're not nice, because plenty are, but I have very little in common with most of them, and the ones that I do typically have kids which puts them out of doing whatever whenever.)

I DON'T want a pity party.  But I have to wonder why I do what I do.  I know that if this was one of my friends going through all this, I'd tell them to kick his ass to the curb.  I know what the main problem is, whether or not he wants to admit it.  He's going through a midlife crisis.  But his crisis is killing me inside.  Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he gets all defensive and everything is my fault.  I know I'm not perfect, but I know I don't flirt with every man I know, or any man I know.  Flirting is not me.  I don't talk to people he doesn't like just to spite him.  Hell, the only other men in my life are married or gay, and most of them are HIS friends!  I just don't know what to do and I hate this hopeless feeling I have 95% of the time. 

Oh, and did I mention he went to the bar?  Dropped me off without an "I love you," and left.  He didn't call me the last 2 nights before I went to werk.  I didn't call him Wednesday like I normally would cause I was mad at him, but figured he'd call me before my midnight break.  SOB didn't call me all that night.  Came in Thursday a.m. like everything was fine.  Thursday night I didn't call him 'cause I wanted to see if he'd call me.  He didn't.  Not even a freakin' text!  Then again this a.m., everything was 'fine and dandy'.   

And he never listens to me.  I've been trying to get him to call our travel agent for almost 2 weeks to make sure no one had signed up for the cruise we were planning to do in mid September.  He never did, and today was the sign up deadline.  I REALLY hope no one signed up.  Of course, he's also not called the 'new' travel agent to get the stuff arranged for another cruise we found.  I quit asking.  I've told him for a month to call the cell phone company and get me the unlimited texting, and he hasn't, and I tried to do it online, but it wouldn't let me.  So our phone bill this coming time will be monsterous.  (EDIT--My texting was $40+!)  Does he think I talk to hear my own voice?  I have enough video tapes of me singing if I wanted that.  I am TRULY at a loss of what to do.  I feel like my marriage is over and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, and that's because he doesn't want to do anything about it.  I got him to go to one counseling session after I begged, then harped, on him for 6 months to set it up (it's a company sponsored thing through his werk, so it had to be done by him.  Plus, I wanted to see how committed he was about it).  When he finally did, we went to 1 session.  The following week the counselor was on vacation, and the week after, when we had appt 2 scheduled, she canceled because she was sick.  He never scheduled another one.  How can 1 session fix all the problems of ANYONE???? 

I don't want a divorce.  I didn't get married with that though remotely in the back of my mind.  But lately, I have to wonder if all my hurting and mental pain is worth it.  I know marriage is hard, but it shouldn't be THIS hard.  Especially when it seems I'm the only one who is trying to werk at it.  I don't know where the man I married has gone, but dammit, I want him back!

He used to hold my hand all the time (home, car, store, whereever), he used to tell me I was beautiful, he used to call me or text me or post on MySpace just to tell me he loved me or was thinking of me or was missing me.  He didn't flirt with other women.  He never hurt my feelings.  When we were apart for even a day, it bothered him as much as it did me.  Now, I think he could go a week without talking to me and wouldn't have anything to say when we finally talked.  That's because he tells everyone else the things he should be telling me.  I was raised to believe your spouse should be your best friend, and we had that until around a year and a half ago.  Now, it's like he barely tolerates me.

We'd talked about starting out own business when I finish school and he goes back and gets his certificate.  He doesn't even mention going to school anymore, much less talk about our business.  He werks in a facility where at least 90% of the people he works with are women, and they all love him.  Maybe the love of 1 woman doesn't compare to that anymore.

God, the more I go on, the more pathetic I sound!  I'm just lost and lonely and I'm tired of it all.  If it weren't for classes starting back Monday, I'd go 'home' and stay with my family for a while.  They have no idea anything is wrong, 'cause I can't bear to think of them knowing I'm failing or for them to hate DH.  Isn't that sad?  I won't tell them 'cause I don't want them mad at the man who's making my life hell on earth because I don't think he loves me anymore.

I'm such a loser!  I've NEVER let any man have this effect over me, this hold over me.  I guess I deserve to be treated like a doormat if I'm going to act like one.  But I swear, I've tried to do my own thing, but I can't make people be my friend or do things with me.  There is a gal I used to werk with, I called her one Tuesday and said, "Hey, let's do lunch tomorrow."  She said, "Sure.  Let me just call you in the morning and let you know what time the therapist thinks I should be able to take off."  I NEVER heard from her.  Not even an email since.  That was a month and a half ago.  Another friend from back home called me to let me know she was supposed to be in town for her job the week after Thanksgiving and said she'd call me for lunch.  She NEVER called me during the time she was supposed to be here AND didn't send me a Christmas card.  She ALWAYS sends me a Christmas card.  I know I'm not THAT much of a different person, but can't seem to have friends who want to do things with me to save my soul.  What the hell is wrong with me?  (EDIT--I got an email the other day from a girl I've been friends with since 3rd grade.  It was one of those Q & A things...  She mentioned a HUSBAND!!!!!  I didn't even know she was engaged!  When she was engaged around 10 years ago to this ass named Mike, I was to be her maid of honor.  When he told her 10 days before the wedding he was sleeping with someone else but he'd still marry her, I was the one she called.  When she wanted to get out of town the weekend of the now cancelled wedding, she asked me to go with her.  And she can't even send me a regular email BEFORE the wedding to let me know?  She didn't have to invite me, but I think I deserved to know.  Apparently not.)

Ugh.  I've vented and cried.  I'm done.