Hello!  I've been AWOL, but busy.

My course work is over, and now I'm only doing clinicals.  Of the 360 total hours I need, I have 253.5 of them down!  I'll be glad when they're all finished and I can start working somewhere.

Technically, I could begin PRN work now, but I want to concentrate on the clinicals to get them done.  I still won't get my certificate until the end of July or in August, so I can't sit for the registry until September, but that's OK.  It'll give me some time to study/review before hand.

Michelle's little LC is 4 1/2 months old now and weighs 18.2 lbs and is 26 inches long!  He's a solid kid, though.  Cherie is preggers with baby #2 and is due at the end of September, beginning of October.  She found out yesterday it's yet ANOTHER boy! 

The other nephews and nieces are all well.  The older 2 boys on my side have been in plays recently, and the younger of those 2 is going to be Will Scarlet in ROBIN HOOD.

As far as my marriage, I'm not discussing it.  It's not worse, but it's not really better, either.

I've made a few friends of my own recently.  Funny thing is, one of them is from 'back home'.  Well, not really, but she did live there for a while and understands why living here has been so difficult for me.  Other's aren't actually new friends, but friends from school I've become lots closer to.

Oh, I watched the CSI season finale tonight and was SOOOOO mad!  I mean, all implications are that Warrick was killed!  I didn't think they were supposed to do that, so I was pissed.  Maybe the waitress in the restaurant went out back and saw it and will get him help before he bleeds to death???  I know Gary was not going to be a regular character anymore, but I thought he was still supposed to be 'available' for the occasional episode, like Jorja Fox. 

My cousin, Shirley has been doing VERY poorly.  (She's a free-bleeder who contracted hep C from a blood transfusion in the 80's before they tested blood for it.  Because of her condition, a liver transplant was out of the question.)  She was actually quite close to dying around my birthday.  Not sure what God has planned for her, because she's been doing some better.  Jeff's cousin, Patty, has terminal cancer and was given 5 months.  She decided not to do chemo or radiation when she was 1st diagnosed, but did homeopathic treatments instead.

I think that's got me up to date.

Hugs!

Well, I don't know that NO ONE does, but since I hardly ever post here, I wouldn't be surprised.  Anyway I need to vent and since I have no other way to, I'm doing it here.

I've pissed and moaned about my hubby here before, and tonight, I do it again.  Let me start with I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  However, there are times I really don't think he even likes me, much less loves me.  I was TOLD last Sunday that we were going bowling with some people tonight.  Wasn't asked, was told.  I didn't realize I was still 5 years old.  But, OK, I'll go bowling. 

So, tonight, we went bowling.  Met some new people who were nice, had fun, pulled a muscle in my hip, but all in all, a decent time.  So, apparently while I went to the restroom right before we left, DH (and tonight the D doesn't stand for dear or darling) mentioned to some ppl who showed up during the last 20 minutes we were there that we'd go to a bar and hang out with them.  Uh, we will?  No, I won't.  Besides the loud music, which I can't hear ANYTHING over, there is TONS of cigarette smoke, as it's a 21 and over bar so ppl can still smoke in there.  (All restaurants and most bars in TN are now smoke-free, which I LOVE!!!!!)  And do you know when I found out?  When he turned the car in the opposite direction of our house and I asked, "Um, where are we going?"

The real problem is, yet again, he TOLD me, didn't ask.  I told him I wasn't going to sit in a smoke-filled bar all night, and he asked me if I wanted to go home.  Of all the things to ask....  This has been a real issue as of late, as DH likes to spend time with single women.  I know he's not physically cheating, but at times, I strongly wonder if he's mentally cheating.  Admitting this in a public forum where anyone could come upon it is humiliating, but as I have no friends here, or well, apparently anywhere, I need somewhere to vent.  I changed my entire life for him (which I supposedly bring up often, but COME ON!!!!  I moved from everything and everyone I knew to be with him after we got married.  People here are different.  I'm not saying they're not nice, because plenty are, but I have very little in common with most of them, and the ones that I do typically have kids which puts them out of doing whatever whenever.)

I DON'T want a pity party.  But I have to wonder why I do what I do.  I know that if this was one of my friends going through all this, I'd tell them to kick his ass to the curb.  I know what the main problem is, whether or not he wants to admit it.  He's going through a midlife crisis.  But his crisis is killing me inside.  Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he gets all defensive and everything is my fault.  I know I'm not perfect, but I know I don't flirt with every man I know, or any man I know.  Flirting is not me.  I don't talk to people he doesn't like just to spite him.  Hell, the only other men in my life are married or gay, and most of them are HIS friends!  I just don't know what to do and I hate this hopeless feeling I have 95% of the time. 

Oh, and did I mention he went to the bar?  Dropped me off without an "I love you," and left.  He didn't call me the last 2 nights before I went to werk.  I didn't call him Wednesday like I normally would cause I was mad at him, but figured he'd call me before my midnight break.  SOB didn't call me all that night.  Came in Thursday a.m. like everything was fine.  Thursday night I didn't call him 'cause I wanted to see if he'd call me.  He didn't.  Not even a freakin' text!  Then again this a.m., everything was 'fine and dandy'.   

And he never listens to me.  I've been trying to get him to call our travel agent for almost 2 weeks to make sure no one had signed up for the cruise we were planning to do in mid September.  He never did, and today was the sign up deadline.  I REALLY hope no one signed up.  Of course, he's also not called the 'new' travel agent to get the stuff arranged for another cruise we found.  I quit asking.  I've told him for a month to call the cell phone company and get me the unlimited texting, and he hasn't, and I tried to do it online, but it wouldn't let me.  So our phone bill this coming time will be monsterous.  (EDIT--My texting was $40+!)  Does he think I talk to hear my own voice?  I have enough video tapes of me singing if I wanted that.  I am TRULY at a loss of what to do.  I feel like my marriage is over and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, and that's because he doesn't want to do anything about it.  I got him to go to one counseling session after I begged, then harped, on him for 6 months to set it up (it's a company sponsored thing through his werk, so it had to be done by him.  Plus, I wanted to see how committed he was about it).  When he finally did, we went to 1 session.  The following week the counselor was on vacation, and the week after, when we had appt 2 scheduled, she canceled because she was sick.  He never scheduled another one.  How can 1 session fix all the problems of ANYONE???? 

I don't want a divorce.  I didn't get married with that though remotely in the back of my mind.  But lately, I have to wonder if all my hurting and mental pain is worth it.  I know marriage is hard, but it shouldn't be THIS hard.  Especially when it seems I'm the only one who is trying to werk at it.  I don't know where the man I married has gone, but dammit, I want him back!

He used to hold my hand all the time (home, car, store, whereever), he used to tell me I was beautiful, he used to call me or text me or post on MySpace just to tell me he loved me or was thinking of me or was missing me.  He didn't flirt with other women.  He never hurt my feelings.  When we were apart for even a day, it bothered him as much as it did me.  Now, I think he could go a week without talking to me and wouldn't have anything to say when we finally talked.  That's because he tells everyone else the things he should be telling me.  I was raised to believe your spouse should be your best friend, and we had that until around a year and a half ago.  Now, it's like he barely tolerates me.

We'd talked about starting out own business when I finish school and he goes back and gets his certificate.  He doesn't even mention going to school anymore, much less talk about our business.  He werks in a facility where at least 90% of the people he works with are women, and they all love him.  Maybe the love of 1 woman doesn't compare to that anymore.

God, the more I go on, the more pathetic I sound!  I'm just lost and lonely and I'm tired of it all.  If it weren't for classes starting back Monday, I'd go 'home' and stay with my family for a while.  They have no idea anything is wrong, 'cause I can't bear to think of them knowing I'm failing or for them to hate DH.  Isn't that sad?  I won't tell them 'cause I don't want them mad at the man who's making my life hell on earth because I don't think he loves me anymore.

I'm such a loser!  I've NEVER let any man have this effect over me, this hold over me.  I guess I deserve to be treated like a doormat if I'm going to act like one.  But I swear, I've tried to do my own thing, but I can't make people be my friend or do things with me.  There is a gal I used to werk with, I called her one Tuesday and said, "Hey, let's do lunch tomorrow."  She said, "Sure.  Let me just call you in the morning and let you know what time the therapist thinks I should be able to take off."  I NEVER heard from her.  Not even an email since.  That was a month and a half ago.  Another friend from back home called me to let me know she was supposed to be in town for her job the week after Thanksgiving and said she'd call me for lunch.  She NEVER called me during the time she was supposed to be here AND didn't send me a Christmas card.  She ALWAYS sends me a Christmas card.  I know I'm not THAT much of a different person, but can't seem to have friends who want to do things with me to save my soul.  What the hell is wrong with me?  (EDIT--I got an email the other day from a girl I've been friends with since 3rd grade.  It was one of those Q & A things...  She mentioned a HUSBAND!!!!!  I didn't even know she was engaged!  When she was engaged around 10 years ago to this ass named Mike, I was to be her maid of honor.  When he told her 10 days before the wedding he was sleeping with someone else but he'd still marry her, I was the one she called.  When she wanted to get out of town the weekend of the now cancelled wedding, she asked me to go with her.  And she can't even send me a regular email BEFORE the wedding to let me know?  She didn't have to invite me, but I think I deserved to know.  Apparently not.)

Ugh.  I've vented and cried.  I'm done.

Hi everyone!  I wanted to pop in and say, "Merry Christmas!"  Since my last post, I've been busy....

Before I get started, if my spelling is horrid, forgive me.  I werked last night, and am lucky to be able to put somewhat coherant sentances together.  Spelling will be what suffers

Jeff and I went on the cruise I mentioned.  It was nice, and we did have a great time with the people we went with.  It was during Halloween week, and seeing the costumes Halloween night were great!  Jeff dressed up as the Geico caveman.  I was going to be Miss South Carolina, but the talent show was that evening right after dinner, and I didn't want to try and run to change out of my costume and into my 'performance' gear (the MC is from S. Carolina, and I SURE wasn't going to tick her off). 

Despite losing my voice that afternoon, I think I did pretty well.  I bought the talent show video, and my voice is a bit more husky, but the pitch was 'spot on'.   

A few days before, however, things weren't so good. 

The day we went to Grand Cayman, Jeff and I signed up to go to Stingray City and to snorkel afterward.  The waters were extreemly rough, as I kept getting knocked around by the waves.  After arouand 3 minutes in the whitecaps with the stingrays, I'd had enough.  I was afraid I was going to fall on one and end up Erwin-ized, so I got back on the boat. 

Later, they took us to another spot to snorkel.  I've snorkeled before, and quite enjoyed the experience.  But with the waves being rough, it was hard for me to not suck down the water that was flooding down the breathing tube (don't know the 'technical' term for it).  On top of that, the more I tried to get back to the boat, the more I seemed to get pushed away from it.  The fins and life jacket didn't help me.  I paniced.  OK, I freaked out.  If Jeff hadn't have been right there beside me, I would have drowned, no doubt in my mind.  Even as he was trying to help me, I kept fighting him.  I know first hand the 'fight or flight' response is a real one. 

I had an uncle who died when I was 10, having drowned in Lake Michigan.  We don't know if he had the heart attack first, then drowned, or if he was drowning, paniced, then had the heart attack.  I just couldn't take the thought of my Mom knowing I died that way, too.  So I fought.  I fought Jeff, and I fought the guide who swam out to help Jeff get me in.  It didn't help when the guide took my mask off and I couldn't open my eyes much to see (I had my contacts in, and you don't want to get anything other than saline solution in your eyes.  Yes, I know saline is salty water, but it's specially treated.  Sea water won't cut it.).

I finally got to, and into, the boat.  I hyperventilated, clung to my husband, and said, "I'm done."  Jeff wouldn't go back into the water.  I think he was afraid I'd go into shock. 

I decided then that the next day's stop in Calica, I was shopping!

We signed up for a tour and shopping trip in Cancun.  I have been to Cozumel 3 times and love it, but Cancun is now my favorite city in Mexico!  I didn't get to see nearly as much as I would have liked, but what I saw was great, and the shopping spot our guide took us to was phenom! 

The trip was great, overall.  We're planning another cruise for next fall, and I can't wait!  Nassau, St. Thomas, and St. Maarten.  Seven fun filled days on the ship, and at least 1 more in Port Canaveral!  CANNOT WAIT!!!!

Of course, there are many things to do between now and then. 

I finished up my 1st semester back in school and got a 4.0 GPA!  I really didn't think I'd make that in one class, but extra credit always helps.    Best of all, I've met some really great people that I am now lucky enough to call my friends.  Classes start back in mid-January.  I have to get through spring semester and clinicals, along with summer clinicals.  I can take my certification exam in September, and will hopefully be werking in a great place shortly there after.

By this time next week, I'll have a brand new nephew!  JT will soon have a little 'brudder' that will be known here as LC.  I can't wait to see him.  He will be a slightly belated Christmas present to us all, but totally worth the wait!

Jeff and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this past week (Friday).  He bought me a BEAUTIFUL white gold and tanzanite ring.  (He knows I love my jewelry!)  I got him some DVD's he's been wanting and something else.  Bad wifey that I am, I don't remember what it was!!!! 

Oh, and I already know one of my Christmas presents.  Well, I acutally know two, but this one to me, so far, is the coolest.  Jeff got me tickets to see Rick Springfield!  It'll be next year, but that's not too far away now.  He bought them in the VIP section.  I always knew I was special. 

I hope everyone has a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS, and a wonderfully blessed New Year!!!! 

Hugs,
April

But things have been busy!  With school 11 hours a week (not including studying) and werking (16-32 hours a week), it doesn't leave much time for anything else!  Even my sleep has been suffering, which is funny since I'm going to school to help people sleep. 

School's been going well.  It's been hard, getting back into the groove of studying, but I'm doing great.  I've actually been elected to be a student representative in the yearly meeting to determine if the program is effective and if there are changes/improvements we can make.  (Technically, there should have been 1 student, but one other girl was also nominated, and we were tied in the voting, so we're both going to be a part of it.)  Something cool to put on the resume. 

I've been seeing my GP quite often, as I was anemic, and now I'm just low in iron.  I had a colonoscopy this week, and everything was fine.  I see my GP this coming week, and I'm sure she'll want to do some other sort of test to find out why I'm still iron deficient.

Michelle's having another boy!  They're both doing well, and she's due in December.  So far (knock on wood) she's not had any blood pressure, swelling or gestational diabetes problems.  Her joints loosened up rather quickly this time, though.  JT kept saying (before they knew the sex) that it was going to be a 'gull'.  But, now that they know, he seems fine that he's going to have a 'brudder'.  I just hope he's more gentle with this one, unlike he was with his cousin, CR.

TC, the oldest nephew on my side, was in another play just a few weeks back.  I had to werk, so I couldn't make it, but he apparently did really well.  He takes after his aunt April. 

Speaking of werk, I'm werking at a store as a stocker.  It's mindless, which is nice, so I don't have to concentrate on a job AND school.  At least, not mentally. 

It won't be much longer before DH and I head out on another cruise!  We've got a good sized group going from the hospital, so we'll know many people on the ship.

Last weekend a group of us went out to dinner to remember Cathy, who died a year ago.  It's hard to believe she's gone, much less that she's been gone for a year. 

I'm sure there's more I need to say, but as of now, the mind is blanko.

Have a great fall, y'all!

Hugs,
April

Happy Tuesday!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years!  Christmas was good, just went by too quickly.  New Years was spent alone, as Jeff was werking.  Hospitals never close! 

My job has been going well.  We've been VERY busy, sometimes more than I wish, as I hate getting home and having to literally put my feet up, they hurt so badly from all the standing.  However, it means job security, and there was a short while, right after the beginning of the year, it was questionable.

We went on a cruise in February to Cozumel.  Our 2nd cruise there, my 3rd time overall.  I enjoy Cozumel.  It has a unique feel to it, and the shopping isn't bad, either.    We went with a group of ppl who do work or who have worked with Jeff at the hospital.  There were 16 of us total, and we had a BLAST!  Got some sun, did some dancin' and some singin' (they had karaoke every night.  I went the last 2 and had my own fan club following!  Even got a standing 'O' the last night), and a WHOLE lot of eating.  I think I gained 5 lbs!

We've been doing lots of meals and hanging out with our friends that work with Jeff.  After losing Meg and Cathy last year, we all have realized how fragile and precious life is (well, even more so.  Since we all work in the medical field, we've always been aware, we're just now hyper-aware).  [Just went back and re-read the last few posts in here, and I didn't mention the deaths of Meg, 52, and Cathy, 36!  I can't believe it, 'cause I was so bummed, and I do come here to vent usually.  They both worked with Jeff, and Cathy and Jeff were in the same RT group at RSCC.  Meg had an undiagnosed brain aneurysm, and we're STILL awaiting the results of Cathy's autopsy, and she's been gone since October 10th.  Great gals, and we all miss them a ton.  Another friend, Dave, and his wife Tommi, have moved to Kentucky since Christmas, and Jeff's feeling that majorly, too.  He and Dave are around the same age.]

It was while out to dinner at my favorite local pizza place (Big Ed's), just after we got back from the cruise, something I thought was really cool happened.  We're sitting there, talking about the cruise and what all we did, when Jeff talked about how we went dancing in the onboard club.  He said, "You know who can really dance?", then he pointed at me.  I guess it was kind of shocking that this bigger sized gal could shake it, and they were like, "Really?  You can dance?"  Jeff was telling them, "Yeah, she's really good."  I did something I haven't done in ages.  I blushed. 

Getting comments on my singing happens all the time.  I can admit, yes, I can wail, and yes, it's better than most (God's REALLY blessed me!!!!!).  I'm funny, and have beautiful eyes and great smile.  This is not me being vain, but me knowing my 'assets' as they were.  And I've always loved to dance, but never had any training, just a pretty decent sense of rhythm.  So hearing my husband tell these people that I can dance made me feel amazing.  (Now, don't think he never compliments me, because he does.  More than most husbands do their wives.) 

Now, Jeff and I have had some problems during the past few months.  My husband is a generous, loving man.  I know he loves me with all his heart.  It drives me to the verge of losing it, though, when all these women from the hospital call him, text him, email him, post things on his blog ALL THE TIME.  And many things have been utterly inappropriate for them to send to a married man.  I don't care how good of friends they THINK they are.  And he's too soft hearted to hurt their feelings, but mine aren't always considered. 

Also, we got the DSD this really great ring from Cozumel.  We talked about when we were going to give it to her.  WE.  But guess what happened?  I was at work, DSD was going somewhere, and Jeff was getting ready to go to bed after being up and at werk for 16 hours.  He was SO excited about seeing her reaction, he gave her the ring.  I wasn't here.  Now, some people would think, "She is his kid.  What's the big deal?" 

The big deal is he did the same thing with the 1st car we bought her.  So, I DID lose it.  And HE got pissed at me.    We're still not 'back to normal', and it's been 3 weeks.  Go figure.

Oh, DSD's mom is officially now back in TN.    That makes life SO much more fun.  NOT!!!!!!  She's been looking for her and husband #3 a house.  They are looking in this portion of the state, but I HOPE they don't find anything within 40 minutes of us. *crosses fingers*

Anyway, we still don't have a church.  Haven't even begun to look.  Don't know when we will.  The only time we go is when we go home to visit my family.  And that isn't as often as I'd like.  Just one time since Christmas, and no plans for another visit until April.  My boys will be almost grown by then. 

Oh, we had LOTS of fun (not) around Christmas.  The waterheaters in both houses had to be replaced.  One burst, the other just died.  We had to take DSD to the walk-in clinic in my hometown on Dec. 23rd for stomach pain (stress related), and they are out of network for our insurance, so we have to pay the whole amount.  She also had her wisdom teeth removed a week after that.  So, guess who's broke? 

DSD wants to change her major.  That's another headache, 'cause she's ONLY been at uni for 3 years now.  She'll have to change schools for this major, going to the junior college I wanted her at from the beginning.  So we're also THOUSANDS of dollars in debt to the student loan company AND the federal government for the loans she got from them.    I'll be in debt forever!!!!!

OK, I'm going to shut up and get ready for bed.  Don't forget to set your clocks forward an hour this Saturday night when you go to bed!

Hugs,
April

Hello all!

I've been keeping busy, as always.  Work is good, but tiring.  My family is all doing great, and I should get to see them all next weekend.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!!! 

This has been a difficult time for me, the past few months, because Jeff and I left our church.  It was a decision that was made by God, and as much as I KNOW He no longer wanted us there, and I have NO doubts about that, I miss some of my friends.  There were several of us who left at once, for various reasons.  We haven't yet found a new church, so it's odd that, at Christmas time, I'm not singing or performing anything.  Very odd. 

The nephews are growing like weeds!  JT is running!  CR will be up and at 'em in no time.  TC, the oldest from my side, was in a play a month or so back, and he was AWESOME!  He only had 2 weeks to learn the role AND pick up a convincing British accent, which he did, and smashingly!  The night we went, he had 20 family memebers and who knows how many friends there to support him.  In one scene, he'd been tied up, and when the other actors were helping untie him, the rope in his mouth got stuck on his braces!  They played it off well, and he show continued as if nothing happened.

I put my Christmas tree up last Sunday, and I love it!  The wreath I did isn't bad, either.  They are both white with red, silver, and 'crystal' acceents.  Since this house was built in the 40's, and the white trees were popular in the 50's, I thought it was a cool retro fit.

I have all of my Christmas shopping done!  Even the stocking stuffers have been taken care of.  Now, it's just the waiting!!!!

I want snow for Christmas!  I AT LEAST want the weather to be cold.  It's been very warm here this past week, and it doesn't seem at all like Christmas, weatherwise.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!  God has been so good to us all!

Hugs,
April

But I'm still alive and kicking!

Have a job, part-time, that I enjoy.  Would love more $$$$, but who wouldn't?!?!?!

Been enjoying this new season of CSI!  Can't believe that they are almost always behind GREY'S ANATOMY!  If I wanted a soap opera, I'd record DoOL!  LOL!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Hugs,
April

Hello there!

I have been to South Africa and back, and while I was away, my sister had my new nephew!  Charlie is a DOLL!  SO sweet!  He was 2 weeks early (my sis #3 also had blood pressure/swelling problems), but still weighed 8 lbs 2 ozs and was 20 1/2 inches long!  I got to see him and my other nephews and niece (along with the rest of my family, of course) the weekend after I returned from SA.

South Africa was AMAZING!  Plans for where we were going got changed 2 weeks before we arrived, and the locale we were supposed to spend most of our time at, well, it didn't happen.  But God knows what He's doing, and we had some phenominal things happen in and around Cape Town.  As there were only 7 of us, we didn't have as many ministry opportunities 'cause we were basically one big group instead of 2 small ones, but the ones we had (even a few we made happen along the way) were fabbo!

There was an airplane while we were gone that had an attempted hijacking, but we weren't on it, luckily.  We would have been on it if it had happened 2 days later, though.  Some guy, 40 minutes into the flight, had a hyperdermic needle that he put to the throat of a flight attendant, demanding to get into the cockpit.  Well, and off duty pilot was sitting right where it happened, and he attacked the guy.  4 others also helped, and it was over within 5 minutes.  Regardless, my flight home was a bit unnerving for me. 

I made the mistake of telling my dad that it happened the day after my nephew was born, when he'd only gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep.  Daddy misunderstood what I said and thought I'd been on that plane!  Not only that, he thought I was the one with the needle at my neck!  I told him I wasn't telling Jeff, 'cause I figured he'd worry, and Daddy told him it was me!  LOL!  Jeff was none too happy when I talked to him the day we were flying out (we didn't get to talk long, and what we did was hard to hear with all the planes being called or delayed in Cape Town), and I didn't understand why until after we got back into the states and I talked with my mom.  My poor husband!  Even after I've straightened all this out with him, he's not currently willing to let me go again.  Guess I'll trust the Lord in whatever He wants from me, and He'll handle Jeff accordingly.

I guess that's it for now.  I hope my Canadian friends have a wonderful Canada Day, and for my American friends, have a wonderful July 4th! 

Hugs,
April